09 Nov Your Emotional Health: Why Do I Freak Out Like My Mom Did?

In this blog post, my friend and colleague Eileen Callahan reveals some insightful tips for understanding our unwieldy emotional responses, so that we can choose healthier ones. Such an important step in maintaining our emotional health! Here’s an excerpt from Eileen’s newsletter, which you can subscribe to at eileencallahan.com. Eileen is a counselor in Newport Beach, CA.

Moving Toward Emotional Health

“Do you ever wonder why you respond to stressful situations the way you do?  When my client asked me this question, I asked her the question I’d like you to consider:  ‘How did your parents model coping skills?’ If mom typically burst into tears and dad hid out in his workshop, you’d naturally believe there were only two ways to cope with problems—cry or run away.  In psychology, that’s called learned behavior. As an adult, you may continue to believe and act on these limiting behaviors until you discover that your coping skills can be expanded.

“My Aunt Mary Kate, God rest her soul, was a wonderful woman in many ways.  She was warm, kind and genuine in her love for the Lord.  Yet, she had terrible coping skills.   Whenever anything challenging occurred …a conflict at work, a money shortage, a family issue… you’d find Mary Kate sitting at her kitchen table staring off into space.  One leg crossed over the other, her top foot would shake back and forth like a hyperactive dog’s tail. She’d chain-smoke menthol cigarettes with one hand, while her other held a continuously-refreshed glass of scotch and soda.   You can imagine the confidence this image inspired in her three children!

“Contrast this with how my childhood friend’s mom managed stress.   Edie kept a beautiful home and cooked fabulous Italian meals every day.   Despite her devotion to her family, when something threatened to upset the apple cart in Edie’s life, she reacted with big emotional outbursts.  One of her five children might get smacked with a wooden spoon.  Dishes may be shattered on the floor.  There would always be plenty of screaming.

“Learned behavior is just one way we’ve developed coping responses.  We are also affected by genetic factors, personality traits and some childhood events.”

You Can Choose A Better Plan for Emotional Health—Which Will Also Affect Your Overall  Health

So my colleague Eileen has uncovered the problematic ways we learn to react to stress. In some circles, these are called “flesh patterns.” Stay tuned: In my next blog post, we’ll look at healthy ways to handle stress—a vital key to flourishing in every way. I’d love for you to write some of your ideas of more healthy patterns in the comments section below.

Question: What unhealthy reaction patterns were modeled for you when you were growing up: withdraw, yell, eat, anxiously worry, use substances? What healthier patterns have you learned to use?