Forgiveness: 7 Crucial Steps to Freedom – Mary Henderson
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Forgiveness: 7 Crucial Steps to Freedom

08 Apr Forgiveness: 7 Crucial Steps to Freedom

Posted at 18:35h in Emotional Health, Necessary Life Skills by
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Who’s Imprisoning Whom?

 

“I really want to forgive her but I can’t.”

“He hurt me badly. But now it’s hurting me more to not let it go and forgive him.”

I hear these types of things a lot in my counseling practice. When we’re hurt or offended, at first we may want to hold onto it and nurture a grudge against that person. But hopefully we come to realize that we’re only hurting ourselves, robbing ourselves of needed emotional energy, by failing to forgive. Bitterness poisons the container in which it is held.

Forgiveness: A Practical Strategy

Forgiveness is usually not a one-time event but a process.  The next time you need to forgive, try these life-giving steps:

1.  Take some time to reflect on specifically how you have been wounded by the other person and the damage it has done. Push past your anger and get in touch with your hurt feelings. It may help you to write this in a journal or to talk confidentially with someone you trust.

2.  Think about any loss you are feeling as a result of this offense. For example, perhaps this offense has made you realize that your spouse, friend, or parent can never perfectly meet all of your needs, or that they will never fulfill your high expectations. Or, if you’re trying to forgive an abusive parent, you may need to grieve the loss of a healthy childhood, or the reality of not having had healthy parents.

3.  Now go through the process of grieving your loss. Grieving a loss involves experiencing and processing your feelings of denial, anger, yearning, and sadness until you get to the point of peaceful acceptance of what was lost. (Acronym D –  A – Y – S  > A). Let yourself feel and process each of these emotions as they come throughout your days and weeks. Feeling and processing these will enable you to let go of them rather than remain stuck in them.

4.  Make the decision that you will forgive this person. Your decision may be based on a sense that this is the right thing to do. It may also be based upon the realization not forgiving is hurting and impairing you. This decision to forgive involves your willingness to let go of your desire to personally hurt or punish the other person. Again, this desire is harming you and draining you of energy that can be better used in other places.

5. If you are still in contact with the person you may need to have a conversation with them about this, however it is not always productive to do so. Sometimes it will only hurt you or your relationship more to do this. If you are in doubt about this step, talk to a trusted friend or counselor.

6. Your next step is to choose to treat the person in a way that reflects your forgiveness, and to think about them in this way. In some cases it’s best to maintain distance or boundaries concerning the person, or even to have no relationship with them. However, your thoughts and intentions toward the person still need to be in keeping with forgiveness.

7. Finally, when thoughts of this person come to your mind, develop the habit of choosing to forgive and desire good for them rather than nurturing hateful feelings.

Forgiveness: Be Proactive In the Process

It usually takes time and effort to achieve the freedom of forgiveness, but it’s well worth your efforts. If you neglect this process, you will continue to be drained and poisoned by your inner attitudes. Forgiveness is a gift you give to yourself as well as to another, so give abundantly and generously.  Your own freedom and joy will be the result.